Dirty Dancing At The Lion & Pig Masquerade

Take the shame out of shameless and what are you left with??  Good old-fashioned "less," which is really more, depending on how you look at it.  Aahh... it's great to have the sun on your back and the wind in your face!  It's like flat-belly foods... tough to incorporate but so pleasing to the ego.  Want to know my super-hot sex secret?!  Well I'm not telling.  It comes down to body & mind, the theories of Darwin, accidental superstars, even morbid de-railings of the Eastern European mafia... the people who are always talking about psychology tomorrow and how pirates helped shape American Democracy.  The past 25 years have been but a blur, the likes of which will never fully come into focus, just lingering, hanging on like a broken eyelash that won't fall away but rather sticks in its cynicism, its ostentatious contempt.  Black is the night, crimson is the tide, none is the number... and organic is the fond farewell we bade unto our forefathers all those winters ago.    Did you know that bacon is now a miracle drug?  And a kiss can cure your allergies?  Modern science is marvelous, isn't it?  I mean where would we be without hard-working farm boys and Italian supermodels?  Rolling on the river, that's where we'd be!  I heard there's a new restaurant in the South Pacific that calls for 'Taster's Choice' and a 61% savings certificate when you cross the threshold, but after that it's business as usual.  Kindness in the office setting is a great motivator to do something productive.  Did you know that Eugen Sandow would keep smelling salts on hand to revive women who had passed out after touching his muscles?  I can't possibly fathom a world where the "home in the valley meets the damp dirty prison."  But I can take naked bird-calling and mold it into a modern day sport with plenty of resilience and vitality to choke a hen twice, provided there's enough elastic left to fend off the fermentation.   Jotting down fascinating and incendiary remarks is nothing new: it's been common practice for many moons, yet now comes in such a charming little parcel.  It's yours truly, the Appalling Mr. Bardot!  So why do I, the Tramp, care to revisit the gal next door, the girl with perfect teeth and a derrière extraordinaire?  Because I am, quite frankly, a fool.  But a grandiose fool, with his heart on his sleeve, his head in the clouds and his mind in a gutter.  Full-figured love is oftentimes the best kind of love.  And because of that, I'm going to make it my mission to expose the overly-skinny ones, the self-conscious ones, the ones who are in full-throttle, the race cars in the red.  They're the ones you're after, officer!  They're the ones with stage envy.  Self-promoters, like crazy old Maurice... out to get theirs any way they can, but always good for a laugh.  It's an exquisite study in human behavior.  "It's like Lennon said... you know, you look for the one who will benefit, and... um..."   Mere conjecture.  There are 3 million ways to die, choose one.  How about a tablespoon of nutmeg?  If so, there'd be only one man for the job: an inspiration to "The Northern Diver," Sir Arthur Conan Doyle himself, once said... "You notice the red clay on the edges of the soles of her shoes, and the only such clay within 20 miles of Edinburgh is in the Botanic Gardens."  I say, won't you dream a little dream with me?  Let's pretend you're waiting by our white picket fence as I arrive home from work... wait, no... I'm waiting while you get home from work... (that's more like it)... and there's our dog, or someone's dog... do we have a dog?  What was I saying?  Well, anyway... it's probably not important.  What is important is how you come to greatness, to be this overbearing shadow lurking in the background, in the darkness, waiting for evil to strike, and when it does we won't feel a thing, because there you are, triumphant and golden and tired.  But until that day comes, keep your ear to the grindstone.  Because you see, how it works is... the train moves, not the station.

Bon Appetit!